On purpose

My biggest problem is not my brain injury, despite my significant limitations.  

My biggest problem is not my other physical injuries, no matter how painful or debilitating they may be.

My biggest problem is my lack of purpose.

I used to have a purpose-filled life.  Now I don't.  Those things that were my purpose before my brain injury aren't part of my life anymore, and may never be again.  They are beyond my reach now.

If each of us has a purpose...a reason for being here...what is mine?  People tell me my purpose now is to recover, which is what I'm already doing, so yay for me, right?  But what if I don't fully recover?  What then?  Did I not fulfill my purpose?  Or wasn't that my really purpose to begin with?

From what I recall from being a purpose-driven woman living a purpose-driven life, purpose is the thing that makes you want to get up in the morning.  It's the thing that makes you excited about your day.  It's what challenges you and drives you to work harder.  And it's the thing that leaves a smile on your face as you fall asleep at night.

Recovery is not my purpose.  I know that for sure.  

I want to live a purpose-driven life again.  I want to feel like it matters if I get out of bed.  I want my existence to count for something, not just a sentimental attachment for the people who know me. This used to be as easy as breathing to me, but now seems beyond my reach.

The answers aren't out there.

The answers are in here.