The cure for anything is salt water: sweat, tears, or the sea. Isak Dinesen
In the early days of my TBI, I was emotionally numb. I didn't laugh or cry. That has changed dramatically in the last month or so.
Now I cry all the time. Every day. Sometimes several times a day. And always without warning.
I cry when I'm sad. I'm sad a lot of the time.
I cry when I'm anxious. I'm anxious most of the time.
I cry when I'm happy, or when someone says or does something nice to me.
If salt water is the cure, how many tears will it take to cure me? Maybe I need to sweat more. Or take up residence on a beach. Or all three.
It's been a while since my last entry; some things have changed and some remain the same.
Today is 23 weeks (161 days) since my TBI. I've had a migraine headache every minute of every day since the impact. That kind of thing really wears on a person. I'm on headache med #3 and #4, which haven't started working yet, but don't have any intolerable side effects that caused me to stop using med #1 and #2. The nausea and vertigo are somewhat improved but still a problem.
My calendar is still filled with rehab, doctor visits, and procedures. I'm doing well in rehab overall, but had several setbacks in the last month that stalled my progress and even caused regression in some areas. An oral maxillofacial surgeon has been added to my team of specialists because I also injured my jaw in the accident; it adds to the pain and interferes with speech and eating. A pain specialist will be next.
The decision about when and if I can return to work is looming large. My short term disability runs out on December 30th, and I have to either return to work, take unpaid leave, or apply for long term disability. There are pros and cons (mostly cons) of each option, and it's not an easy decision to make. No one can project whether I'll be capable of working a month from now, even part time...but my team is in agreement that I'm not capable of working at all right now.
Since I desperately want to be able to work, I'm pushing myself to improve my cognitive endurance. It's not enough to be able to do the cognitive activities I need to work...I need to be able to sustain that effort without crashing and burning. So far, I can manage about 90 minutes of continuous cognitive effort, but not every day. If I try to do more, my brain gets overloaded and shuts down. That's not even close to where I need to be, so I keep pushing to extend my limits.
I've also tried driving a few times...short distances under optimal conditions. It takes a great deal of effort and wears me out. My visual processing is still an issue, so everything appears closer, larger, and faster than it really is.
I really can't believe that this is my life...still significantly impaired after 5 months...and wondering how long until my brain functions normally again. All I can do is what I'm doing, and trust that it'll all work out.
