In my last post, I admitted I was scared about planning to go with Jon to his race (Keys100). As the time grew closer, I was less fearful, but still nowhere near confident that I could do the things I needed to do.
The first part of the trip was better than I expected. Check-in at the airport was smooth, and we spent the pre-flight time in the club lounge where it was quiet. Take-off was fine, but I had some seizure aura activity on descent...thankfully, no seizures. It took longer to get out of the airport and to our hotel than anticipated, but I held myself together and took it easy the next day.
Things got rough after that. Neither of us got much sleep the night before the race, and we were up and out the door by 5:00 am. Jon's group started at 6:30 am, and I went back to get a couple of hours of sleep before having to load out and start the drive. It didn't help much. I required 10-12 hours of sleep to do what I needed to do, but I only had about 6...in bits and pieces.
My job...the thing I was scared to death of doing...was making the 100 mile drive from Key Largo to Key West by myself. The furthest I had ever driven since the brain injury was 25 miles, and that was with a 1 hour break at the halfway point. My plan was to drive the first 50 miles to Marathon Key to meet Jon at around 5:30 pm, then drive the second 50 miles to Key West to check into the hotel. I had time to take breaks along the way if I needed to, as long as I didn't leave too late. I sat at Starbucks in Key Largo drinking iced lattes until I felt ready, then headed toward Marathon.
I can't recall being so nervous about driving since I was 16. I concentrated solely on the road and not killing any runners.
From Jon's calculations and logins, I knew approximately where he was on the road. I lifted my eyes just high enough to find his lime green compression leg sleeves at mile 31.6, and pulled off the road for a quick check in with him. He cooled off for a bit in the air conditioned van, then was on his way again. That was my only break on the way to Marathon...I just wanted to get there as quickly as possible so I could sleep until he arrived. What I didn't account for was how chaotic and noisy it would be there. I rested a bit, but couldn't sleep at all.
Jon arrived in Marathon later than expected and uncommunicative. His core body temperature was way too high, his kidneys were no longer producing urine despite taking in enormous amounts of fluid, and he was in danger of heat stroke. After 2 hours of resting, his temp was even higher, so he made the difficult decision to withdraw from the race. I took him to the ER for iv fluids and cooling down. We left a few hours later.
Now it was dark. I was overtired, barely verbal, hungry, and thirsty. And I had to drive 50 miles to Key West...with my husband overheated and shivering in the seat next to me. I kept my eyes on the road, my teeth clenched, and a firm grip on the wheel, as if this combination of things could somehow will my brain into obedience. I told Jon to tell me whenever the speed limit changed. If I got pulled over, I'd lose whatever last bit of resilience I had left and melt into a puddle of mess on the side of the road.
I don't really know how to describe the experience of those last 50 miles. Mostly it was fear of what my brain might do...and the fear of what my brain actually was doing: visual and auditory hallucinations, seizure auras (but no seizures), and losing awareness of my legs and feet. I begged the universe to guide me, to protect the runners from me, to keep me on the road and out of the ocean, to help me know if what I see is real, to keep the seizures away, to keep me conscious. I made no bargains, knowing I had nothing to offer in return except gratitude.
We made it safely to Key West.
I've been called brave and courageous and amazing for doing all that. But none of that is true. My plan was short-sighted at best...reckless and dangerous if I'm really being honest. My plan presumed that I could do things on my own that I had not been able to do since the brain injury. I had no backup, no support, and insufficient cognitive ability to come up with an alternative plan.
I wasn't prepared to do what I intended to do, and my plan fell apart almost immediately. The first mistake was starting the drive without enough sleep, thinking I could nap later. When Jon arrived in Marathon needing urgent attention, I used all my resources to take care of him and neglected my own needs. I posted updates on Facebook so people would know what was going on, but my phone was still blowing up with calls and texts that I didn't have the energy (or even the verbal ability) to answer. Everyone was concerned about Jon, but none of those calls were offers of help.
The biggest mistake was driving to Key West that night. Jon was doing better, but was still overheated and in no shape to drive. I was a mess...a danger to myself and others...and had no business being behind the wheel. There were other options besides either of us driving that night.
I'm ashamed that I didn't think I could ask for them.
I've always thought of myself as a kind, caring person. But that night, I put the lives of countless people at risk, including my own and my husband's. That is not the action of a kind person. But that's what I did.
And I'm sorry.
