The decision has been made: I am not returning to work at the end of this year.
I have been approved for long term disability benefits, but my employment has been terminated. There was no other option; my brain hasn't recovered enough to allow me to resume working.
The termination process is already underway. I've returned my laptop, cell phone, corporate card, and handed my keys back to my manager. It is another devastating loss in a series of devastating losses for me.
For the first time in many, many years, I don't have a plan. Or a title. Or an employer. I don't even know what to call this thing I'm doing now. Medical leave no longer works because I have no job to go back to. The label I was given is "Totally Disabled", defined as "...being prevented by accidental bodily injury from performing the essential duties of my own job, or of any job for which I am qualified by education, training, or experience." I'm not okay with that label, even if it is accurate right now. I want to believe that it's temporary, even though there's no way to know for sure.
The only job I have now is healing. It's turned out to be the hardest job I've ever had.
