On purpose

My biggest problem is not my brain injury, despite my significant limitations.  

My biggest problem is not my other physical injuries, no matter how painful or debilitating they may be.

My biggest problem is my lack of purpose.

I used to have a purpose-filled life.  Now I don't.  Those things that were my purpose before my brain injury aren't part of my life anymore, and may never be again.  They are beyond my reach now.

If each of us has a purpose...a reason for being here...what is mine?  People tell me my purpose now is to recover, which is what I'm already doing, so yay for me, right?  But what if I don't fully recover?  What then?  Did I not fulfill my purpose?  Or wasn't that my really purpose to begin with?

From what I recall from being a purpose-driven woman living a purpose-driven life, purpose is the thing that makes you want to get up in the morning.  It's the thing that makes you excited about your day.  It's what challenges you and drives you to work harder.  And it's the thing that leaves a smile on your face as you fall asleep at night.

Recovery is not my purpose.  I know that for sure.  

I want to live a purpose-driven life again.  I want to feel like it matters if I get out of bed.  I want my existence to count for something, not just a sentimental attachment for the people who know me. This used to be as easy as breathing to me, but now seems beyond my reach.

The answers aren't out there.

The answers are in here.

Part 2 of a Multi-Part Series: What do you do all day? Productivity, or lack thereof.

I wrote Part 1 of this multi-part series back in March, starting with activities of daily living (ADLs). The truth is, there isn't much more going on besides ADLs, but that's the whole point of today's entry.

Sleeping
Let's get that out of the way before going any further.  I still need to sleep 10-12 hours a day.    It takes me quite a while to fall asleep, usually 1-3 hours depending upon how much pain I have, so the whole being-in-bed-sleeping-or-trying-to-sleep thing is very time consuming.

Doctors and hospitals and therapists
Instead of reducing the number of visits to medical providers, the number of visits continues to increase.  Brain rehab was replaced with physical therapy for a brachial plexus nerve injury (at least that's what they think it is).  Physical therapy has been replaced by additional doctor, diagnostic, and procedure visits.  Somehow, despite it all, I'm in worse pain now than I was 6 months ago.  It's so demoralizing.

Actively Avoiding SSDI
Since going on long term disability benefits through my former employer, the insurer has been pressuring me to apply for Social Security disability.  If approved, whatever SSDI pays would reduce the amount the insurer has to pay.  The insurer brought in a company  that completes and files the application for me.  I've been dodging them for months, but finally gave up the info and had an interview with them recently.  They filed the application electronically, and now the confirmation from the local Social Security office arrived in the mail for me to review and sign.  I would rather cut my own throat than complete this process, but I have to do something within the next 48 hours.  

I don't want to be disabled.  
I don't want the government sending me checks.  
I just want to be left alone to try to recover and get my life back.

Actively Avoiding ATIC
ATIC is American Transit Insurance Company, the insurance company of the taxi company that owns the cab that I was in when the accident happened.  They are excellent at burying claimants in paperwork, and seem to have no ability whatsoever to pay claims.  As far as I can tell, they haven't paid a single dime to anyone for my medical claims yet.  I tried sending them my out of pocket medical expenses for one month, and they buried me in paperwork...asking for ridiculous stuff like a letter from my physician justifying every prescription.  They send me letters almost weekly asking for crazy stuff, like documentation of my lost wages from my employer, despite knowing I have no employer anymore.   So I just pile up the letters on my desk.  At some point in the near future, when all the medical providers start coming after me, I'll have to find an attorney and file a civil suit against them.  When I think about my lost wages alone (over $100K/year), it makes me realize I have to do something eventually.  Just not today.

Making plans...canceling plans
Most days you can find me sitting quietly, usually reading, trying not to move much.  It's the best defense I have against the pain.  Medication hasn't helped, neither has physical therapy, TENS, or cervical nerve block injection.  I really do want to get out and do things, see people, go places...but I have to weigh those opportunities against the consequences of doing them.  Going out to dinner might mean 3 days of severe pain that prevents me from sleeping or doing other things I need to do. A weekend trip could mean weeks of severe unrelenting pain and immobility.  If I make plans to do something, I know there's a good chance I will need to cancel those plans.  

So there you have it.  If it's between 11:00 pm and 11:00 am, chances are I'm either asleep or trying to sleep.  The rest of the time, I'm waging a silent war against pain and losing each battle so far. I'm reading a lot (no fiction) and keeping my brain active and challenged.  I'm using my time to prioritize the things that will enable me to be recovered, pain-free, and independent.  And right or wrong, I'm actively avoiding things that suck the remaining life out of me.